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SOME PEOPLE SAY THE HARDEST PART IS LETTING GO, BUT I HONESTLY THINK, ITS CONTINUING TO LET GO THATS REALLY HARD. SURE HE MADE YOU SMARTER, & STRONGER, BUT SOMETIMES THAT MAKES THE WHOLE SITUATION WORSE. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO HURT YOU OR LIE TO YOU IN ORDER FOR US TO GET THAT WAY. WHY DO THEY KILL EVERYTHING WE USE TO BE, & LEAVE US TO WHERE WE CANT RECONGNIZE OURSELF. I DONT KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. I GUESS WHEN THEY SAY DONT GIVE SOMEONE EVERYTHING, BECAUSE WHEN THERE GONE YOU HAVE NOTHING, ITS TRUE. ITS ALWAYS EASY TO FORGET, WALK AWAY & NOT GIVE A FUCK (HE PROVED THAT) ITS THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, STARING AT THE CLOCK & WATCHING TIME FLY BY, ITS TRYIN TO GET USE TO BEING ALONE & WORRYING ABOUT YOURSELF FOR ONCE. ITS FINALLY BEING ABOUT TO HEAR ABOUT HIM & THAT SICK TO YOUR STOMACH FEELING DONT ALMOST MAKE YOU LOOSE IT. & EVEN AT THE TIME, WHERE YOUR HURTING THE MOST, & YOU SWEAR ON EVERYTHING THAT YOUR GOING TO DIE, YOU EVENTUALLY LEARN THAT LIFE KEEPS GOING. SURE HIS PROMISES DONT MEAN SHIT ANYMORE, & YOU GAVE UP EVERYTHING YOU COULD & HE STILL WRECK CHOPPED ON YOUR HEART, YEA IT HURTS, SO MUCH THAT I WOULDNT WISH THAT SHIT ON ANYONE, NOT EVEN HIM. ITS EASY FOR EVERYONE TO SAY "TAKE IT AS A LESSON LEARNED" OR "WHATS MEANT TO BE WILL ALWAYS FIND ITS WAY", JUST CUT THE BULLSHIT & UNDERSTAND, HE WASNT GOOD FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU CANT HURT SOMEONE YOU LOVE...IMMA BE THE 1ST PERSON TO SAY NO MATTER WHAT YOUR WILLING TO LOOSE TO STAY IN LOVE, ALWAYS MAKE SURE ITS WORTH THE LOSS LATER IN THE LONG RUN. KEEP YOUR GUARD UP & DONT BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR. THEY CAN SAY ALOT OF SHIT, BUT DONT EVER LIVE UP TO THEIR OWN WORDS. ITS BETTER TO HURT, NEVER LOOK BACK & EVENTUALLY GET OVER IT, THEN TO WASTE YOUR LIFE, TRYING TO MAKE A LIFE & GIVE SO MUCH, YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT IN THE END. NOT EVEN YOUR PEACE OF MIND, BECAUSE YOUR STUCK WITH ALL THE MEMORIES, THAT REPLAY AT THE MOST RANDOM MOMMENTS. ON THE COOL I WISH THERE WAS AN OFF BUTTOM YOU COULD PUSH, WHERE EVERYTHING JUST GOES AWAY. LIFE DONT WORK THAT WAY, RELATIONSHIPS DONT WORK THAT WAY, HELL NOTHING DOES. PAIN JUST REMINDS YOU THAT YOU AINT DEAD YET, & HIM, WELL HE JUST MAKES YOU WISH YOU WERE...

-SINT

advice of the day: LOVE HURTS, DONT EXPECT TO PLAY AROUND FIRE & NOT GET BURNED.

2011

whoooo...what a year. right? i dont know about you, but im happy 2010 is over. it has been one of the hardest years to get through.i guess you can say that i have changed alot since the last time i posted a blog. lets just say that i fell off track, i gave my all to someone & they walked all over me. im newly single now, & even though its almost been a whole month, i still dont kno how i feel about it. i catch myself thanking myself that im not with him, i try to remember all the bad things that made me want to leave him in the 1st place, but i only seem to remember how much i loved him & how it felt to lay next to him everynight. they only way i kno how to stop thinking about it is by putting myself down because i only got myself to blame. i chose to love him by myself. and even though i hate this fuckin saying, "what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger" (no matter how bad you feel like your were gonna die). the sleepless nights & the harsh feeling of being alone everyday is slowly fading away. i can finally sit next to a phone without picking it up and trying to call him. if he wasnt as heartless as he is, i would never get over him, i would still be waiting around for things to change & get better. but like my freakin head, its all about julian. lol my family is going through its own shit. we may not have it all together, but together we have it all. most of yall who know me, know my big brother randy, i posted a blog "HEART OF A GANGSTA" well hes currantly looking at 10 years in prison. were really close, so im trying to wrap my mind around it. 10 years!? i could be married with kids in 10 years. its like everything is happening at once. like they say when it rains it pours...but like i was saying, im glad its a new year, i dont know if things are going to change & get better, but i will say i got the chance to get back on my feet & worry about ME for a change. fuck what everyone is talking about, its time to get myself in line & look past all the bullshit holding me back. i only got myself, & once i give up on ME, THEN i kno i have nothing left.

FREE MY GANGSTA LIL MEX!

-sint

advice of the day: if your going through hell, just keep going!

update on my life

i guess you can say i fell off with writing. everytime i kept something inside, i had to write and let it out. its like my way of seeing my life & everything that it turned into. i've been through hell & back this past year, i feel like everything changed. i lost most of my bestfriends, alot of people turned out to be nothing like they said they were, & everything i had planned for this hectic life just blew up in my face. everything just changed, and on top of all that i feel in love & weve been through just about everything you could think of. i finally graduated & at one point i wanted to go to the airforce. now i dont know what the hell to do with myself now & days. it gets to a point where i almost want someone just to tell me what to do. if i would have known when i was younger how hard shit would be today, maybe i wouldnt have been in a rush to grown up. i would have actually took the time to enjoy not having to worry, & just been a kid. but now that i really think about it, when was i ever a kid, i grew up fast, not by choice but because thats how it was. growing up wasnt easy. some people think of me as shut off, or heartless, but thats really the wall i built to keep them all out. this wall has been years of suffering, fights, disappointments, & hard times...even if i wanted to tear it down, i wouldnt know where to start. sometimes the best thing for me is forgetting. the less i remember the better off i am. unfortunately that caused me to forget how to trust. i know that has alot to do with myself, so i cant really blame anyone for that. so for this update on my life, lets just say that ive learned alot. ive grown up & i finally understand. the more you try to keep your life on track, the harder it is. well til thought meets blog again, be safe & god bless.

-sint*



advice of the day: they say when your going through hard times the best thing is to talk to someone about it....what do you do when you realize you cant trust anyone? i learned that sometimes the best thing to do is try to handle it on your own. im not saying keep it bottled up inside, im saying just keep your composure. the more you think about a problem logically, the better off you are at figuring out a less painful solution.

my cross roads....

how is it possible to come to a point in your life, where your stuck at a crossroad? your stuck between being the person you want to be && the person you are. sometimes im at loss of words, when i try to explain the difference ive seen in myself && even others around me. im stuck remembering times, when things were stress free && made sense. i mean how the hell can one day it just be different, when you can swear on everything, nothing changed? i hate to admit that im a different person now, from when i was younger, but i realized its one of those uncontrollable situations in life. but to tell you the truth i dont even know when this battle with my self occured, or if its been hidden deep inside. but sometimes i feel like im constantly having to make up reasons why i am the way i am. i dont know, i dont think ive ever known. somewhere along the way i lost myself. && you know what makes it even more fucked up? i dont even know when that happend. i just want to know when everything got all screwed up... i guess you can say im still drifting on memories, of times where i felt most like myself. but who am i now anyways? right? people think i got all the answers, && none of the problems, but if they really knew how screwed up i am, maybe they would tell me what to do for a change. people use to ask me all the time, "sint, why did you start this blog?" "how can you tell everyone everything about you?" && i tell them all the same thing, its an escape from myself, from all my fucked up thoughts, && never changing disappointments. writing to me, is like breathing to you. it keeps me going. it keeps me sane. i think its so ironic, that when someone has a problem, i can tell them everything to make it better, but when im stuck, i couldnt think of one thing to save my life. && i guess thats where the problems at. i cant open up completely about myself, not because im scared to be judged, but because im scared to face myself. so til i get the balls, to know the real me, i will be there to help. but i guess that just me. well til thought meets blog again. be safe && god bless.

-sint*

advice of the day:

sometimes the biggest critic you have, is yourself. when your able to except who you are, then you can start to give a damn about what others think. just dont loose your self trying to figure out who you are. because then you will be stuck at a crossroad like me.

my regrets...

you know what? when i started this blog, i thought i was going to be able to use this as a way to vent, to finally have that chance to say exactly how i feel. alot of people write me, saying how i inspire them && give them something to relate to. but the truth is, im just speaking from experience. i had no idea that writing about my problems, help others cope with theirs. && even though im greatful that people have interest in what i write, i cant sugar coat anything, i write from my heart. && chances are ,most of the stuff i write about are people that have meaning in my life good or bad, && it hurts me more to say what they might not want to hear. so what do i do change the words? i lie to myself && everyone who reads this? i want whoever reads my blogs, to know exactly how i feel && know exactly what im thinking. because what i write is exactly how i feel. && honestly the blog about my dad was the hardest one to write. but to my suprise everyone loved it. && alot of people even thanked me for writing it, they said it was stuff they just needed to hear. but after writing it, people were hurt by what i wrote. for instance my dad ended up reading the one about him && hes hurt because of some of the things i wrote, && now for the 1st time, me && my baby sister are not on the same page. because through her eyes she cant understand how i could ever say anything bad about dad. && to tell you the truth im hurt by the fact that she cant support me on this. shes backed me up 100% on everything, && now she just wont stand behind me on this. but at the same time, i wish i could have that . not being able to have one bad thing to say about him, shit i would love that. but we have both have our different perspectives on dad. shes had him all her life, && i never had that security. && to tell you the truth i dont think she could fully understand the difference. i just want her to understand, i could have easily wrote exactly what he wanted to hear, i could have easily pretended that this never bothered me, && acted like everything was ok. but im not going to do that. im not going to lie to myself && all of yall, because what im saying isnt butterflies && rainbows. im sorry for the fact that my sisters feelings got hurt, && im sorry that she cant understand why i feel the way i feel. i just want everyone to kno that my dad is not a bad person! && i wasnt trying to make people think that. i wrote that blog on my personal experience thats based off of my relationship with my dad, while growing up. i love my dad && god knows hes tried. && yea maybe it wasnt like a movie with my dad && my mom married, but hes still my dad. for the people hurt by my blog. im sorry you feel that way. dad, im sorry. but im not going to take it back. i promised myself when i started this blog that it was going to be me 100%. so take it or leave it. i really dont know what else to tell you. til thought meets blog again. be safe && god bless.

-sint*

advice of the day:

"you can judge whatever you want in this world, but you have no right to tell someone how to feel. yea it might not be what you wanted to hear, but maybe it could be just what you needed to hear-sint"

daddy's little girl...

dad if you ever read this, i want you to know that for years people have tried to tell me how to feel about you. && half of them dont understand how you can love someone who is never there. but the truth is, i just wasnt old enough to understand why you werent around, all i knew, was you were my dad && i loved you. i think i was a year and 3 months old, when my dad walked out of my life, but for summers as far back as i can remember, i would always go and stay with him. (&& his family) he has 3 kids. my 2 baby brothers, daniel && jon && my baby sister selena. for a whole summer i got to see how my life COULD have been, how he WOULD have treated me and my brothers && sister, && at the end of the summer when i would have to leave and come back home, it would hurt me so bad because i didnt understand why i was leaving and daniel jon && selena got to stay with him, i was litteraly heart broken, confused && fustrated. why am i not good enough? it got to a point that when i would go visit him, i never wanted to leave him, because it felt like it would be a million years before i would see him again. && i would blame it on my mom, because she would say she wanted me to come home because she missed me. how ironic is it to be mad at her when he didnt even want us there? so i would cry and ask him why i had to leave, && if that wasnt sad enough, he would just go along with my moms story. i mean all he could say was he knew he was never there, but just because you cant admit it to your own kids, doesnt bring any of that time back. for so long i wanted to tell him i was mad at him for never being there, but once again, what good will that do? && 20 years later, its still in the back of my heart, next to every broken promise && forgotten birthday. but you know what? i forgive him for walking out on me && my brothers && sister, i forgive him for being strong enough to forget us, i forgive him for walking out on my mom when she needed him the most, && i forgive him for starting another family, as we get to sit back && watch him be the father we will never have. i just forgive him. i guess he can thank god for that. but despite every bad thing ive heard about my father, despite every dissappointment hes brought me, && despite all the years we lost, i can say i truly love him. && i want everyone to know, we are not his fuck ups! we are not his problem nor responsiblity, we never been. i dont want him to get credit for everything my mom did. it takes more than those child support checks to be a father. because to tell you the truth i would rather him keep it. ive done 19 yrs && 10 months without him, whats the rest of my life? the only thing that scares me is that i wont get to thank him for those times we went to the beach. thats exactly how i want to remember him. along side the waves, when hes telling me he loves me. i still carry that heart shaped seashell with me everywhere i go. we found it about a year ago when we were walking in the sand, taking in all of the beaches beauty, its like i finally got a piece of him, even if its something as small as that. i hope i get the chance to tell him before him or i go, that i love him && i finally understand. im not mad at him, i just want him to know that i pray that he wanted me as much as i needed him. if not, then i still got our memories. && despite everything, he is my father. well til thought meets blog again. be safe && god bless.

-sint*



advice of the day:

"any boy can be a dad, but it takes a real man to be a father, which is true to an extent, but if you dont want to spend you life mad at one person, just remember the pleasent times, because in the end thats all you really want to remember."

the heart of a gangsta (my brother randy)

if there is anyone in this world i pray for most, its my brother randy. his soul is lost && i dont think he even knows where to find it. but he was not always that way, when i was younger growing up, my brothers were all i had, besides my sister, i never really felt comfortable around anyone else. i have two older brothers && one older sister, && then its me (the baby). && boy did randy ever treat me like one. i remember him growing up as this kid, who was given nothing, and had to learn from the beginning that nothing was handed over, if he wanted something bad enough, he had to figure out how to get it. he knew how to hold his own && wasnt planning on taking crap from anyone. i admired his passion && complimented his strengths. if i ever respected anyone, it was him. because he was the type that could walk into a room && just light it up with his personality && made peoples problems go aways because he was too busy making them laugh. you could see it in his eyes how much he cared, then one day, when i was younger, my brother caught a case && was sentenced to 5 yrs in prison. how do you get use to having someone everyday of your life, to not being able to hug them && tell them face to face that you love them? 5 yrs he faught for respect, && felt like he had nothing to show for how hard he worked just to say he had something. 5 yrs of his life, gone. && what did he have to show for it? just a bunch of prison tattoos && a "fuck you" attitude. the brother i known all my life was gone, and the one who came back to me was nothing but a gangsta. heartless because thats what hes known for so long. i wish i could go back to that day, when he was sentenced && tell him that he should keep his faith && remember that i love him. i want to go back to that day && hug him && tell him that were in this together. i wish i could tell him how different he was gonna be when he came out. hes so lost in this world, hes just mad all the time && no one understands him, they think hes just a thug with no mission in life. but thats not him though. because i can still see him (the person he really is) when i look into his eyes. you cant hold someone down like that, you cant just tell him that he wont amount to anything, because i know in my heart that hes destined for greatness. i can feel it && i believe in him that much. hes not perfect && he cant always explain his actions, but i pray for him because i love him && i will never give up on him. everyone gets thrown off track, && i believe that if he gives it enough time && patience, he will make it. he has too. its hard to understand the heart of a gangsta, especially when he was never that to begin with. everyone sees him as what he is now, but i can still see the brother who made sure i was safe && protected. nothing can change my mind about him, not even him. i love him && thats enough for me. i have faith that he will find himself, because if not, then everything i ever believed in was just a lie. well til blog meets thought again. be safe && god bless.

-sint*



advice of the day:

when you accept people for what they turned into, is like another way of saying you gave up on the person you once knew && loved. maybe all they need, is to know that one person sees that there still the same person.