daddy's little girl...

dad if you ever read this, i want you to know that for years people have tried to tell me how to feel about you. && half of them dont understand how you can love someone who is never there. but the truth is, i just wasnt old enough to understand why you werent around, all i knew, was you were my dad && i loved you. i think i was a year and 3 months old, when my dad walked out of my life, but for summers as far back as i can remember, i would always go and stay with him. (&& his family) he has 3 kids. my 2 baby brothers, daniel && jon && my baby sister selena. for a whole summer i got to see how my life COULD have been, how he WOULD have treated me and my brothers && sister, && at the end of the summer when i would have to leave and come back home, it would hurt me so bad because i didnt understand why i was leaving and daniel jon && selena got to stay with him, i was litteraly heart broken, confused && fustrated. why am i not good enough? it got to a point that when i would go visit him, i never wanted to leave him, because it felt like it would be a million years before i would see him again. && i would blame it on my mom, because she would say she wanted me to come home because she missed me. how ironic is it to be mad at her when he didnt even want us there? so i would cry and ask him why i had to leave, && if that wasnt sad enough, he would just go along with my moms story. i mean all he could say was he knew he was never there, but just because you cant admit it to your own kids, doesnt bring any of that time back. for so long i wanted to tell him i was mad at him for never being there, but once again, what good will that do? && 20 years later, its still in the back of my heart, next to every broken promise && forgotten birthday. but you know what? i forgive him for walking out on me && my brothers && sister, i forgive him for being strong enough to forget us, i forgive him for walking out on my mom when she needed him the most, && i forgive him for starting another family, as we get to sit back && watch him be the father we will never have. i just forgive him. i guess he can thank god for that. but despite every bad thing ive heard about my father, despite every dissappointment hes brought me, && despite all the years we lost, i can say i truly love him. && i want everyone to know, we are not his fuck ups! we are not his problem nor responsiblity, we never been. i dont want him to get credit for everything my mom did. it takes more than those child support checks to be a father. because to tell you the truth i would rather him keep it. ive done 19 yrs && 10 months without him, whats the rest of my life? the only thing that scares me is that i wont get to thank him for those times we went to the beach. thats exactly how i want to remember him. along side the waves, when hes telling me he loves me. i still carry that heart shaped seashell with me everywhere i go. we found it about a year ago when we were walking in the sand, taking in all of the beaches beauty, its like i finally got a piece of him, even if its something as small as that. i hope i get the chance to tell him before him or i go, that i love him && i finally understand. im not mad at him, i just want him to know that i pray that he wanted me as much as i needed him. if not, then i still got our memories. && despite everything, he is my father. well til thought meets blog again. be safe && god bless.

-sint*



advice of the day:

"any boy can be a dad, but it takes a real man to be a father, which is true to an extent, but if you dont want to spend you life mad at one person, just remember the pleasent times, because in the end thats all you really want to remember."