my regrets...

you know what? when i started this blog, i thought i was going to be able to use this as a way to vent, to finally have that chance to say exactly how i feel. alot of people write me, saying how i inspire them && give them something to relate to. but the truth is, im just speaking from experience. i had no idea that writing about my problems, help others cope with theirs. && even though im greatful that people have interest in what i write, i cant sugar coat anything, i write from my heart. && chances are ,most of the stuff i write about are people that have meaning in my life good or bad, && it hurts me more to say what they might not want to hear. so what do i do change the words? i lie to myself && everyone who reads this? i want whoever reads my blogs, to know exactly how i feel && know exactly what im thinking. because what i write is exactly how i feel. && honestly the blog about my dad was the hardest one to write. but to my suprise everyone loved it. && alot of people even thanked me for writing it, they said it was stuff they just needed to hear. but after writing it, people were hurt by what i wrote. for instance my dad ended up reading the one about him && hes hurt because of some of the things i wrote, && now for the 1st time, me && my baby sister are not on the same page. because through her eyes she cant understand how i could ever say anything bad about dad. && to tell you the truth im hurt by the fact that she cant support me on this. shes backed me up 100% on everything, && now she just wont stand behind me on this. but at the same time, i wish i could have that . not being able to have one bad thing to say about him, shit i would love that. but we have both have our different perspectives on dad. shes had him all her life, && i never had that security. && to tell you the truth i dont think she could fully understand the difference. i just want her to understand, i could have easily wrote exactly what he wanted to hear, i could have easily pretended that this never bothered me, && acted like everything was ok. but im not going to do that. im not going to lie to myself && all of yall, because what im saying isnt butterflies && rainbows. im sorry for the fact that my sisters feelings got hurt, && im sorry that she cant understand why i feel the way i feel. i just want everyone to kno that my dad is not a bad person! && i wasnt trying to make people think that. i wrote that blog on my personal experience thats based off of my relationship with my dad, while growing up. i love my dad && god knows hes tried. && yea maybe it wasnt like a movie with my dad && my mom married, but hes still my dad. for the people hurt by my blog. im sorry you feel that way. dad, im sorry. but im not going to take it back. i promised myself when i started this blog that it was going to be me 100%. so take it or leave it. i really dont know what else to tell you. til thought meets blog again. be safe && god bless.

-sint*

advice of the day:

"you can judge whatever you want in this world, but you have no right to tell someone how to feel. yea it might not be what you wanted to hear, but maybe it could be just what you needed to hear-sint"

daddy's little girl...

dad if you ever read this, i want you to know that for years people have tried to tell me how to feel about you. && half of them dont understand how you can love someone who is never there. but the truth is, i just wasnt old enough to understand why you werent around, all i knew, was you were my dad && i loved you. i think i was a year and 3 months old, when my dad walked out of my life, but for summers as far back as i can remember, i would always go and stay with him. (&& his family) he has 3 kids. my 2 baby brothers, daniel && jon && my baby sister selena. for a whole summer i got to see how my life COULD have been, how he WOULD have treated me and my brothers && sister, && at the end of the summer when i would have to leave and come back home, it would hurt me so bad because i didnt understand why i was leaving and daniel jon && selena got to stay with him, i was litteraly heart broken, confused && fustrated. why am i not good enough? it got to a point that when i would go visit him, i never wanted to leave him, because it felt like it would be a million years before i would see him again. && i would blame it on my mom, because she would say she wanted me to come home because she missed me. how ironic is it to be mad at her when he didnt even want us there? so i would cry and ask him why i had to leave, && if that wasnt sad enough, he would just go along with my moms story. i mean all he could say was he knew he was never there, but just because you cant admit it to your own kids, doesnt bring any of that time back. for so long i wanted to tell him i was mad at him for never being there, but once again, what good will that do? && 20 years later, its still in the back of my heart, next to every broken promise && forgotten birthday. but you know what? i forgive him for walking out on me && my brothers && sister, i forgive him for being strong enough to forget us, i forgive him for walking out on my mom when she needed him the most, && i forgive him for starting another family, as we get to sit back && watch him be the father we will never have. i just forgive him. i guess he can thank god for that. but despite every bad thing ive heard about my father, despite every dissappointment hes brought me, && despite all the years we lost, i can say i truly love him. && i want everyone to know, we are not his fuck ups! we are not his problem nor responsiblity, we never been. i dont want him to get credit for everything my mom did. it takes more than those child support checks to be a father. because to tell you the truth i would rather him keep it. ive done 19 yrs && 10 months without him, whats the rest of my life? the only thing that scares me is that i wont get to thank him for those times we went to the beach. thats exactly how i want to remember him. along side the waves, when hes telling me he loves me. i still carry that heart shaped seashell with me everywhere i go. we found it about a year ago when we were walking in the sand, taking in all of the beaches beauty, its like i finally got a piece of him, even if its something as small as that. i hope i get the chance to tell him before him or i go, that i love him && i finally understand. im not mad at him, i just want him to know that i pray that he wanted me as much as i needed him. if not, then i still got our memories. && despite everything, he is my father. well til thought meets blog again. be safe && god bless.

-sint*



advice of the day:

"any boy can be a dad, but it takes a real man to be a father, which is true to an extent, but if you dont want to spend you life mad at one person, just remember the pleasent times, because in the end thats all you really want to remember."

the heart of a gangsta (my brother randy)

if there is anyone in this world i pray for most, its my brother randy. his soul is lost && i dont think he even knows where to find it. but he was not always that way, when i was younger growing up, my brothers were all i had, besides my sister, i never really felt comfortable around anyone else. i have two older brothers && one older sister, && then its me (the baby). && boy did randy ever treat me like one. i remember him growing up as this kid, who was given nothing, and had to learn from the beginning that nothing was handed over, if he wanted something bad enough, he had to figure out how to get it. he knew how to hold his own && wasnt planning on taking crap from anyone. i admired his passion && complimented his strengths. if i ever respected anyone, it was him. because he was the type that could walk into a room && just light it up with his personality && made peoples problems go aways because he was too busy making them laugh. you could see it in his eyes how much he cared, then one day, when i was younger, my brother caught a case && was sentenced to 5 yrs in prison. how do you get use to having someone everyday of your life, to not being able to hug them && tell them face to face that you love them? 5 yrs he faught for respect, && felt like he had nothing to show for how hard he worked just to say he had something. 5 yrs of his life, gone. && what did he have to show for it? just a bunch of prison tattoos && a "fuck you" attitude. the brother i known all my life was gone, and the one who came back to me was nothing but a gangsta. heartless because thats what hes known for so long. i wish i could go back to that day, when he was sentenced && tell him that he should keep his faith && remember that i love him. i want to go back to that day && hug him && tell him that were in this together. i wish i could tell him how different he was gonna be when he came out. hes so lost in this world, hes just mad all the time && no one understands him, they think hes just a thug with no mission in life. but thats not him though. because i can still see him (the person he really is) when i look into his eyes. you cant hold someone down like that, you cant just tell him that he wont amount to anything, because i know in my heart that hes destined for greatness. i can feel it && i believe in him that much. hes not perfect && he cant always explain his actions, but i pray for him because i love him && i will never give up on him. everyone gets thrown off track, && i believe that if he gives it enough time && patience, he will make it. he has too. its hard to understand the heart of a gangsta, especially when he was never that to begin with. everyone sees him as what he is now, but i can still see the brother who made sure i was safe && protected. nothing can change my mind about him, not even him. i love him && thats enough for me. i have faith that he will find himself, because if not, then everything i ever believed in was just a lie. well til blog meets thought again. be safe && god bless.

-sint*



advice of the day:

when you accept people for what they turned into, is like another way of saying you gave up on the person you once knew && loved. maybe all they need, is to know that one person sees that there still the same person.

relationships....

sometimes i ask myself whats so great about relationships? i mean how do you know for sure that it will be all worth it? well now that i really think about it, theres a huge difference between how girls view relationships && how boys view them. im not one to stereotype people, so im going off of personal experience. sometimes i feel like i know exactly what i want, that i know exactly what im looking for, almost so sure its to a point that i shouldnt have to waste time on people that are never going to grow up. but with every strength i have, theres a weakness. like for instance, when i do fall for someone, i fall hard. && i start to push myself away, even when things go right but when they go wrong, they go horribly wrong && each time just gets harder && harder to bounce back. to me relationships are disappointing, && your rarely ever on the same page, much less chapter as he is (lol) but my story always has the same ending. i tried && i failed. so i sit here && wonder, what makes relationships work? i can only think of one word. FAITH , that it will be worth it && yall's love will surpass everything. faith that it be worth all the pain it took to fight for it. faith that you didnt give your heart to someone just for them to break it. faith that it will work. you know that saying "you live && you learn?" well i think its crazy how much that fits every situation in my life. so before i completely hate him for ruining my trust && faith, i thank him too. now i know the difference between me && him. && yea the crash hurt like hell, but it was worth the ride. im not perfect && its not always his fault. maybe i could have expected a little less of him, but i have faith that the one i truly love will not ever make me settle for less. && to tell you the truth if i never fall in love ever again, atleast ive loved && been loved. ive hurt && been hurt. nothings certain. being a girl i expect alot, && sometimes it hurts them just as much. love is so unexplainable, && complicated. i wonder how anyone can ever recover from it. && i guess thats the difference between boys && girls. well til thought meets blog again, be safe && god bless.

-sint*

advice of the day:

"with every happiness comes a disappointment, instead of being devasted over an failing relationship, remember how much heart you gave away for it in the beginning. yea its a little broken, but the chance that it will be fixed, can be worth all the pain.-sint"

1st blog ever * [07.17.09]

have you ever been inspired by someone? well thats kind of what happend today. im a member of an organization called latinitas, && we inspire young latinas all over the world. were supposed to have a group of girls that we mentor. we teach them stuff about computers, websites, photography, writing, almost anything you can think of. i on the other hand, love what i do. i love being able to have the oppritunity to help them. i grow bonds with these girls && i do what i can to not only be there teacher, but be there friend. every sucessful person has one thing in common, they had that one person that believed in them && told them that they can do it. i want to be that person, the one that made that difference. well today in one of our usual group sessions, we had a guest speaker come into talk to our girls. she started talking about radio stations && how she loves being able to reach out to a big group of people rather than the 10 or 15 that i normally see. then like out of nowhere she brought up blogging. blogging??? what is that? i mean i heard about it on tv, but i didnt know anything about it...lol she told me about blogspot && how you can have your very own website && about how you get to write about whatever you want. so here i am, them very same day blogging. im not sure what its gonna be about...if its going to be about one thing or alot of different things, all i know is im going to write about stuff i feel strongly about && things that matter to me. anyways i have an advice colum out to called ASK SINT, so if theres ever anything you want to talk about you can always come to me. i love helping others && giving advice. even if i dont know you..lol well i guess this is my 1st blog. im not really sure how i did, but im loving it already. but before i get off, its my brothers birthday :) so im just wishing him a happy birthday (publicily lol) time to get back to reality, till thought meets blog again. take care && god bless.

-sint*

advice of the day:

"if theres ever a day, where an idea hits you...run with it. for all you know, its the best thing that will ever happen to you." -sint